I often feel the urge to save writing for after the story has concluded. Right now, I am deep in the depths of a story, and have no idea when it will end. I am choosing to write anyways.
I haven't been able to talk for 48 hours. I have seen a lot of things happen in my brain in my mental health journey, but never this. Occasionally I get spells where I can form sentences for an hour or so, and then the sloppy silence returns. It feels embarassing and quite scary.
While my doctor and I work to figure it all out, I want to share here what I'm seeing, learning, feeling.
Today, I went for a short walk amidst my exhaustion, and saw this tree. Immediately, I scrambled home to write this poem. The fiery tree woke me up from my anxiety long enough to tell my story. To remember that I too am part of this brilliantly bright universe.
Out Loud
Today is my second day without words
I wish that was a poetic metaphor
for some profound revelation
And not a harsh symptom of either an anxiety disorder
or a medication reaction
Sitting in a loud world and not being able to speak
Feels like a lot of things
Last night it felt like a panic attack
broken language slipping from my lips
Never expressing what I mean
What I fear
What I’m seeing
In my mind’s eye
This morning it felt like a wakeup call
Like my lips going on strike
Until my brain follows its longing
All the way home to
A new type of life
Radical and peaceful and quietly bold
I have phantom limb syndrome in my head
I still sense the shadow of sentences
I once sung like lullabies
Now sting
Open my mouth
Only the word “okay” comes out
I am afraid I am terrifying people
My brain says tell no one
Says that this is weird, strange, scary
Says to hide in my parents’ house until it stops
So I can pretend it never happened
It is happening.
My heart says that all the packaged mental health activism in the world
Is so small
compared to one real story
Without sugar on the edges
This is my reality, I cannot speak, and yet my heart is screaming to share
That there is good
That there is kindness
That there are moments of peace
That they might not be right now
But most of all
That we must love so loudly
Even when we are quiet
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